I sometimes
have irrational thoughts
and it gets
to the point where
everything becomes a blur. I make everything a
mess. I can't do anything, and I always upset
you, make you
so angry to the point where
everything feels
like it's caving in and there's no
fucking way to fix things. There's
always something I do wrong, something I fuck up --
never quite forgiving myself, longing for the
day
that will never come where I won't
hate myself and
everything will get better for me inside my head. But
while we wait for that,
a sickness grows inside my head, sometimes an unhappiness or paranoia,
yet at other times, I'm so
in
love with everything. Then sometimes, I will look at myself in the mirror
or see myself naked in the shower
or feel full, but never see any change to my shape -- and I'll think,
kurt felt the same.